Meet Lady Apathy.

There was a time in my life when I knew exactly where I stood. I thought that one day, I could grow up to change the world. To rise quickly through the ranks of society and uphold such a position that I would be able to fight for what I believed in and because of what I did I could finally earn my place in the history books.

Today, I'm really not so sure.

See, back then, I lived in a time where I was not so besotted by the problems of the everyday struggle. I lived in a glass house, cut off from the rest of the world, oblivious to the suffering that billions of people the world over faced, whereas I, a teenage boy, a hopeless romantic, would laugh all that pain, all that suffering off, and make myself a promise that when the time came, I'd be better than all that. That like the eagle, I'd rise above adversity and soar higher than the rest, up into the sky and into the sunset.

Things have changed.

Now, I am no longer confined by the walls of my house. I have been through the hell of everyday life and back, and my passions, my dreams, my aspirations, my beliefs... all of them, which I harbored as a child... some have stayed, others, wasted away with time. Suddenly I am no-longer the wide-eyed wonderer of a couple of years ago. I am the weary, disillusioned college student who knows that he cannot remain in the sort of fantasy world that children dwell in, forever, and that one day, he, too, must spread his wings and leave the nest to fly into the dark blue yonder--- that is, if he can survive what lies ahead.

Henceforth, each headline about gasoline prices going up or a natural disaster resulting in a tragedy or a newscaster being abducted is no longer a challenge for me to man up and take on the world. For this weary, disillusioned college student, such news are merely nuisances, extra baggage, that I must pay no heed too, at least for now, as I try to go about this labrynthine mess that is the adult world.

So it is with great shame that I admit my apathy to the world. I try as much as possible to give the headlines a little more than a glance, and shut myself out from any call to greater action.

Because I'm fucked up, too. The times I do not worry about academics or organizational matters or social what-nots I devote to the turbulence inside my system. I am a tornado trapped in a glass bottle. So much hurt and distress screaming for release that I try my utmost to suppress. My brain says ignore, but my heart says nurture, all this mess inside of me. I try so often to calm this violent storm, but try in vain.

Before I can call myself ready to change the world, I have to call myself ready to change myself.

I'm going to bed.

PUTANG INA

Please lang, ha.

Nasira gabi ko sa iyo.

BWISET.

I am he

As you are he as you are me and we are all together.

One-liner entries are love.

No, wait, that was two lines.

AGH. XDDD

I don't get it

Really. I just don't.

Scared shitless.

12 in the morning. 12:03 to be exact.

Should be sleeping by now but damn.

So as the title suggests I'm pretty much scared pantsless.

I see only rough times ahead for me unless life makes a complete 180-degree turnaround.

I'm not going to elaborate on this anymore. I will however leave a clue for those curious to figure out for themselves:

I'm not alone in this. It's a problem my whole family has to face.

OK, not just my family. The world in general.

What scares me the most is that I may be safe right now in my little hidey-hole but in a few years I won't be that safe anymore. I'm going to have to crawl out with whatever weapon I can find and face the big bad monsters under my bed all by myself.

And when that time comes, will I be ready for the challenge? Will my armor, my weapon, my intellect be enough for me to come crawling back home, wounded yet alive, left to die another day?

That I don't know yet.

I am human. I don't know. I always don't know. And that is why I am often afraid, because humans fear what they neither know nor understand. What doesn't help is the fact that I can't afford to be afraid.

Will three years be enough time for me to prepare?

That I don't know.

Like I said, I always don't know. And I rarely understand.

Fuck all this. I'm going to bed. I need a clear head. (Rhyme unintended)

These past few days

Have been interesting. I've always come out of them tired but what the hell, they were worth it.

Kinda. XD

Let's see what the next few days bring. Hopefully nothing hardcore bad, though.

I'm too lazy to blog today. Hence the brevity (naks) of my post.

Oh yeah. Wait.

I have to change the layout of my blog. Again.

Wala lang.

School.

It is with a heavy heart that I surrender to Father Time.

In less than 48 hours, I'll be going back to school. DX Actually, most people I know will be going back to school.

Man.

Patapon lang kasi yung summer ko eh. Well, not really, I've done a lot of things over the break, but really, not enough. I lack closure.

One more week. That's all I ask. Just to enjoy the break, probably the last real summer I'll ever have in my life. Because starting Tuesday, I'll be starting work on my majors. And the next summer, I'm not only going to take summer classes, I'm also going to try to find a job.

Actually in a way I'm pretty excited. But still. Alam niyo?

Oh, well. I don't want to think about it, really. Not now. Not when I should be enjoying what's left of this vacation. I'm out of here.

Crazy day.

Marami nangyari ngayong araw na 'to.

Everything was pretty slow until piano practice, when things started to pick up. Malaki raw yung progress ko sabi ng teacher. XD Kasi I was learning this piano piece that the teacher said took 4 hours on average for a student to complete. I learned the first half in like 2 sessions so I was kinda afraid I'd be a bit slow on the upkeep. But since I practiced all this week we were able to breeze through the session and complete the piece, so bali I was done in 3 sessions. Yay me. XD

Then pagkatapos nun, diretso na kami ni Inay sa Makati dahil aasikasuhin pa namin yung cashier's check ko para sa tuition. Thankfully we breezed through that, too, so we were in and out in about an hour. Then we made our way through the Makati traffic straight to UP Diliman's O.U.R. (Office of the University Registrar). And just in time, too; 4:30 pala nagsasara yung Cashier. Hehe. So dahil maikli lang ang pila, mabilis rin akong nakatapos. Manghang-mangha nga yung nanay ko, eh; during her time kasi as a grad student here she had to line up at the mile-long line to the Cashier in Palma Hall. "For once," ika niya, "UP cleaned up their system." Ngayon lang yan, 'Nay. XD Well, long lines or no, I was just so effing glad that I was able to enroll. :D

Anyway because we were hungry and we had to pick up the new maid anyway, dumiretso kami sa EDSA Central Station sa may Crossing's kasi dun daw siya bababa. We debated for a while where we'd eat, and then decided on Jollibee. We eated and then met with the new maid, then we headed on home.

Crazy day nga; mula Makati hanggang UP hanggang Shaw Boulevard all in one hectic day. It's over now, but tomorrow, another hectic day awaits me. Heart Center in the morning and then a party at night. It's gonna be awesome. Way to spend the last days of summer. *cheers*

Tangina

Ang init.

Diyuskopo, paulanin niyo naman oh.

This isn't fair.

It's supposed to be raining around this time of year. When the rains came around in mid-May I was so convinced they were going to go on until the end of rainy season.

Pero hindi eh. Pinaasa lang pala tayo ni Lord.

So right now not only do we have to deal with food and oil crises, we have to be reminded of global warming too. I swear, even with the fan on, it's like a goddamn oven in my room. Not exactly the way I want to spend the last days of my vacation.

Such is life, my friend. Such is life.