I've just realized

I need time to think. Think things over.

I have absolutely no idea about anything. About what I feel. For you.

I honestly don't know what love is supposed to feel like. They say it's different for everybody, you know? Funny. I might be in love and I don't know it.

Is what I'm feeling, THAT feeling? Something more, something less? Do I only see you as a really, REALLY great friend that I care very deeply about? Or do I see you as the person I've been waiting for, all my life? Am I there yet? Or just somewhere in between?

Is the jealousy I feel when you talk about... HIM... a manifestation of actual love? Or is it just an offshoot of my possessiveness?

I wouldn't know. I honestly won't.

Which is why I need time to assess myself. Is this love? Or just infatuation?

Whatever it is, I'll definitely sleep on it.

And hopefully, sooner, rather than later, I'll know.

I just wish I could let you know

You're the only one who makes me feel this way.

IDK either.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you. Really.

I mean, at the beginning we were having so much fun. We really were. I actually thought we had a future together, me and you.

It's my fault, I know. I really should have kept the lines open. We fell apart. We lost touch. I get it. Stupid me.

If only how you knew how I really felt about you. It fucking kills me that you don't. You kick your own ass telling yourself how ugly you are, how dumb, how lame you think you are but you're not. You're more than that. Much more.

You're funny and you're talented and no matter what people say you're beautiful. You always will be. You may not fit the mold that everyone else is used to but that's their problem, not yours, and definitely not mine.

You have no fucking idea how it kills me so much that you're madly in like with someone else. No fucking idea at all. How it feels when your insides are rotting every time this one person you care about so much is off swooning over someone else and you're forced to pretend that you're happy. That everything is all right.

Actually I have no idea either. Am I or aren't I? Is what I'm feeling for you just this unusually immense affection--or something more? Or something less?

I don't know. I really don't; I'm sorry. I'm not even sure what love is supposed to feel like. Sue me.

I guess this is something I really have to think over.

I miss you. I miss us.

We're still there, still having fun. But from all angles, we've slowed down. Now I wonder if this is all we'll be forever, or if this will turn into something else.

What else can I say? I'm just some fucked-up kid. I don't know anything anymore.

Where Is My Mind?

I really should stop thinking that the world revolves around me.

I don't know why I do. I hate that side of me too. I'd slap me too if I were someone else. I'd slap me hard.

I don't understand why I keep thinking that everyone's out to get me. They're not. I know they're not. We may not be close but goddammit, they're still my friends and I know better than to keep thinking that they're secretly all against me.

They have no reason to. I haven't done anything wrong. Not that I know of.

Fucking paranoia. Kakaburat talaga. Dahil sa 'yo lahat sa akin nasisira. Tulog, pokus, BAIT amputa. I really hate this feeling with all my hearts, if I had more than one heart.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

It's like, one week I'm OK and everything's going just fine, and the next week... here I am. Back to square one. I really fucking hate feeling like this. I could cry; I'm serious.

Kulang lang ba ako sa tulog? Sa pagkain? Sa iyak? Sa social life? Ano? Sabihin niyo lang, para naman maayos ko tong nararamdaman ko. Is it hormones? Is it stress? WHAT IS MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY?!

I don't know anymore. And I don't want to care.

Tangina naman o... pumatok pa talaga to kung kailan ako nagkaka-hell week.

Mamaya na nga.

RANT

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to open up to the world. I'm usually the one asking questions, listening, reacting, everything.

I almost never tell people jack shit about my life, if I can help it. I don't know why either so don't ask.

I guess it's because I tell so little about myself that whenever I actually do I expect some sort of decent feedback, not just an NR or a few half-hearted grunts or comments. I know it's childish but yeah, I try to fix it.

Nakakainis rin kasi minsan eh. Alam kong hindi ko dapat i-expect na magre-react yung mga tao sa paraang gusto ko pero tangina lang talaga eh.

Maybe I should just shut up about myself. Nobody cares, anyway. Parang what's the point? Other people obviously don't want to know about you so why the fuck should I even bother offering to give the people whom I consider worthy of my attention a piece of my person? Di ba?

Takte. Bahala na nga lang. Ewan ko lang ba sa sarili ko. Minsan di ko talaga maintindihan kung ba't may paki pa rin ako. This world is a hundred per cent fake, and rotten to the core. Sometimes it's so hard to see the good in all this shit. I swear.

I think I'll go to bed now.

Hmm.

OK, so it's been 20 days since my last post. Wow. Almost three weeks since I last blogged.

Man, I can remember when I used to blog almost every day. That was one freaking long time ago. Like a few months ago. LAWL.

Anyway, I don't get either why I don't blog as often as I used to. Tinatamad kasi ako palagi eh. Not to mention lately I've tended to keep my feelings to myself. Fuck, I don't know.

I guess part of it's because I, after several billion years, finally have a life. HA. It's not always the Internet for me after all. :D

I don't really have much to post here anymore. Guess I'll post when I feel the need to. Hopefully it'll be a fairly long time from now.

Until then, I guess. :D

TANGINA NAMAN O

Pano ba naman kasi. Ang init, eh! DX

Kakauwi ko lang at pucha prito na ang balat ko kakabilad at kakalakad sa araw. Di man lang umulan, o. Etits. Yung init na pang-alas-tres naging init na pang-ala-una. What next, what next?! >_<

Ah, ewan. Kasalanan nating lahat ito, gustuhin man natin o hindi. The way I see it, we're digging our own graves. The fact that this kind of heat even exists is mos def a wake-up call for us to start reconsidering our lifestyle. Lalala pa ito ng lalala hanggang tumigil tayo sa pagkuha ng pagkuha kay Inang Kalikasan. It's our mess and no one else is expected to pick up after us.

PAKSHET.

Huh.

I don't really blog any more.

I don't know why.

Actually right now I'm just forcing myself to type this shit down. Because I'm really bored. -_-

There was a time when I would blog incessantly, almost everyday and sometimes even twice a day. Now those days are over and now I don't know what to do with my life.

Huh.

*sleeps*

Ten things I really should be telling myself more often

1. A promise is a promise, no matter whom you make it to. Promises were meant to be kept, not broken, which is why they even exist. If you can't keep your promises it's better that you don't make any at all.

2. You're 18 years old, for fuck's sake. You'll be 19 in a few months and you won't get any younger. Pretty soon the happy bubble you live in will be gone forever and the next thing you know you'll be thrust into a world where no one will take you seriously if you don't prove yourself. Better man up.

3. Nobody ever did shit lying down, so if you want something done, you'd better get off your ass and get your head in the game.

4. The mainstream is overrated. Just because you don't live like everyone else doesn't mean you're automatically a bad person. Learn to love yourself for who you are.

5. Your best is never good enough. Even if you think it is, it's not. You are not the best writer, the best speaker, the best reader, the best artist, the best student, the best friend, the best son, the best ANYTHING. Because for every good man there is always someone better, and if you want to make your way up top, you'd better be prepared to climb a very steep hill.

6. No one is immortal. We all die sooner or later so we'd better not test the hands of fate.

7. Love is not a contest. If she doesn't come, then it only means it's not yet time and you're going to have to wait. In the meantime, why don't you grow up a lot? Patience is a virtue, and so is maturity.

8. You don't learn to think on your feet and the world will eat you alive.

9. Shit happens and when you're down, there's really no where else to go but up. Ranting and crying may be healthy but other than that they're useless and immature. Cry hard, work harder, and maybe one day you'll get what you want.

10. Your homework's not gonna do itself.

Hi.

Bye.

:)

My One Big Dream

Right now is to go to Baguio and live there right after I graduate.

What am I gonna do there?

I don't know. I'll probably teach at UP Baguio. Or work for some small company. Or sell strawberries. Or make pots. Or hide out in the mountains and make nice with the tribes if they don't mind not-tribesmen and the NPA if they don't mind not-communists.

I don't care.

Right now I just want to be free from city living. I mean it's nice here and all but man. It's not really the city that gets to me. It's the capitalism and consumerism that do. It's like an itch I just can't scratch away. The everyday struggle that gets people involved in this shit-ass rat race for power and wealth and prestige.

Money. It's ALWAYS about money. ALWAYS. We wake up and eat and go to work and stay in school because of money. We spend long hours late at night away from the people we love because of money. We grow fat, old, and tired faster because of money. We get sick and die because of money.

It's all about money. It's all about position. It's all about power. It's all about temporary joy and false happiness. It's all about the things we think are so important we owe them our lives but are really just a backdrop to the big picture.

It's all this materialism that ruins relationships, lives, souls. I WANT OUT. For fuck's sake. My biggest dream right now is to find the strength and the will power inside me to purge my system of all fear and doubt and short-sightedness and break free of the illusion of material wealth and political power and bloated ego that takes a man's idealism and hope and dreams, envelopes them, then consumes them whole until there is literally nothing left of the man but a dreary, hollow, shallow outline of his former self.

I want nothing more right now than to run through fields of grain, barefoot, propelled by wind and roasting slowly under the hot afternoon sun, screaming my lungs out in unmistakable ecstasy.

I want to be liberated, mind, body and soul, from the fears that weigh my heart down like anchors to a ship.

I want to transcend the overwhelming addiction to possessions and material nothings.

I WANT TO BE FREE.

Blind Item

You've changed.

Not for the worse, though. I mean, I can totally understand where you're coming from. You're doing the right thing, and you know what, I'll be pulling for you, every step of the way. I may not be with you, but know that you have my complete and undivided support.

But you're busy. You always are, now. Last time we saw each other, you seemed so absent-minded, so hard to reach, even though we were standing, face to face. You left without saying goodbye, but I knew it wasn't something I did. I didn't mind. I still don't. Shit happens.

And yet I can't help but feel that somehow things aren't the same, and will never be for a long time. We're drifting apart, and while I know we'll always be friends no matter what, I have this nagging feeling that with each passing day, we'll start to get a little less close. You'll change and I'll change.

It's life, and while I accept that, it doesn't mean I have to like it. Because I don't.

I miss you. I miss your voice, your smile, your wit. The way we'd talk for hours on end, in Y!M AND in real life. The way we'd say hi. The way we'd say goodbye. The secrets we share. The inside jokes. The chismis. EVERYTHING. :(

I don't know if we'll ever have anything like that again. I can only hope.

Yun lang.

Miss na kita.

Usap naman tayo, o.

One for the Road

I've been sick all day and the weather is fucking freaky. Yan tuloy, hindi ko na-enjoy yung pagkain namin ngayon. Masarap pa naman yung niluto. DX

Actually, I'm not sick sick. I have a bad cold and now I'm somewhere in between. Parang may sakit na hindi naman talaga. I've been drinking water and trying to get some shut-eye all day. I'm getting better, but hey, you never know.

I shouldn't even be up this late right now. But I had stuff to do so yeah, go ahead, sue me.

And today has also confirmed my worst fears as regards one of my oldest and (until recently) closest friends. I'm hurt, obviously and I'm willing to patch things up with him if he is, but this is a pretty touchy topic for me now. I'm not in the mood to talk about it any longer; may sakit nga ako, pahihirapan ko pa ang sarili ko. -_-

Well, good night. :) :| :(

Hmmm

Week so far's been pretty chill. :)

Next week will be busy week. I'm grateful for the escape. :)

Eng 101 Outline/Presentations, plus preparations for LF's Anniv Night. :)

Wow, dami kong smileys. XD

Anywho.

May lindol daw bukas. Intensity 8 daw.

Huh.

Wala lang.

Ingat.

Nasusuya

I hate this. I hate everything.

Fake. Everything around me is fake.

I am in no mood to take crap. Seryoso. Don't fuck with me for the next week or two unless it is a matter of life or death. Super stressed.

I'm at one of those points in life where I feel low even though there's really no objectively serious reason to be low. Hindi naman ako namatayan. Nawalan ng bahay. Ng pera. Ni hindi naman ako nasa bingit ng kamatayan.

So bakit nga ba?

Ewan ko rin eh.

It's a lot of things. A lot. You don't need to know about them. All I know is that at this point in my life I am very much down in the dumps and there's really no one who can help or is willing to help me back up.

I have to get out of this emotional rut on my own.

I feel sick. I want to sleep. I want to eat until my gut bursts. I want to scream until my lungs bleed and my voice box explodes. Into a pillow. At the dog. From a skyscraper overlooking the city at the night sky.

I want to jump off a cliff brushing against the waves of the ocean and impale myself on the rock formations jutting out from beneath the surface of the sea.

I want to be a meteor. I want to hurtle through space and swan dive into the ozone layer and create a jet of smoke, then burn up into nothingness until my shell lands, puny and black and pathetic, on soft earth.

I want to be a firework. I want my humble self to be rocketed off into the atmosphere, where I will explode in a blaze of sparkling color until the ghost of my being dissolves and diffuses into the night air.

I want a lot of things I cannot get.

And I am sick of it.

I need a break. A big one.

From regret. From wasted opportunity. From loneliness. From waking life. From the daily grind. From the evils of mainstream thought. From misunderstanding. From hate. From society. From everything.

And now, I sleep off my misery.

By the way, happy birthday, Mom. :) (No, this is not a cheap shot or a smart remark. I am not angry at my mother. It is, in fact her birthday today and I simply want to wish her many more happy returns.)

Hindi ko alam

Kung anong papanoorin ko next week.


Ano nga ba?


Mamma Mia!, o The Dark Knight? O.O

Dead Air

I hate dead air and I try to avoid it as much as possible. I hate that feeling of awkwardness that comes when two or more people who know little or nothing at all about each other are placed in the same room and there's this sort of frosty, cold feeling in the atmosphere that no one can seem to transcend.

Lately I've been trying to make conversation with people I barely know to keep the dead air away. And somehow I can't stop kicking myself for not trying hard enough to establish a better connection between myself and everyone else who is not in my circle of close friends. The conversations are often very one-sided; I ask the questions, the other person answers. I honestly can't think of the last time I had an intelligent, two-sided conversation with someone I wasn't very close with. If it's not a flat one-on-one, well, the air dies a pretty quick death.

It's an old trick, at least in my book, and recently it's disintegrated from a display of confidence and willingness to interact into a pathetic attempt to strike a conversation. Again, by my book.

And again, I hate dead air; it's a part of my very long list of pet peeves. I actually went through a phase in my life when I would avoid other people and hide when I was sure nothing good would come out of our conversation. I've gradually gotten over that.

But I'm having a tougher time with this.

Meet Lady Apathy.

There was a time in my life when I knew exactly where I stood. I thought that one day, I could grow up to change the world. To rise quickly through the ranks of society and uphold such a position that I would be able to fight for what I believed in and because of what I did I could finally earn my place in the history books.

Today, I'm really not so sure.

See, back then, I lived in a time where I was not so besotted by the problems of the everyday struggle. I lived in a glass house, cut off from the rest of the world, oblivious to the suffering that billions of people the world over faced, whereas I, a teenage boy, a hopeless romantic, would laugh all that pain, all that suffering off, and make myself a promise that when the time came, I'd be better than all that. That like the eagle, I'd rise above adversity and soar higher than the rest, up into the sky and into the sunset.

Things have changed.

Now, I am no longer confined by the walls of my house. I have been through the hell of everyday life and back, and my passions, my dreams, my aspirations, my beliefs... all of them, which I harbored as a child... some have stayed, others, wasted away with time. Suddenly I am no-longer the wide-eyed wonderer of a couple of years ago. I am the weary, disillusioned college student who knows that he cannot remain in the sort of fantasy world that children dwell in, forever, and that one day, he, too, must spread his wings and leave the nest to fly into the dark blue yonder--- that is, if he can survive what lies ahead.

Henceforth, each headline about gasoline prices going up or a natural disaster resulting in a tragedy or a newscaster being abducted is no longer a challenge for me to man up and take on the world. For this weary, disillusioned college student, such news are merely nuisances, extra baggage, that I must pay no heed too, at least for now, as I try to go about this labrynthine mess that is the adult world.

So it is with great shame that I admit my apathy to the world. I try as much as possible to give the headlines a little more than a glance, and shut myself out from any call to greater action.

Because I'm fucked up, too. The times I do not worry about academics or organizational matters or social what-nots I devote to the turbulence inside my system. I am a tornado trapped in a glass bottle. So much hurt and distress screaming for release that I try my utmost to suppress. My brain says ignore, but my heart says nurture, all this mess inside of me. I try so often to calm this violent storm, but try in vain.

Before I can call myself ready to change the world, I have to call myself ready to change myself.

I'm going to bed.

PUTANG INA

Please lang, ha.

Nasira gabi ko sa iyo.

BWISET.

I am he

As you are he as you are me and we are all together.

One-liner entries are love.

No, wait, that was two lines.

AGH. XDDD

I don't get it

Really. I just don't.

Scared shitless.

12 in the morning. 12:03 to be exact.

Should be sleeping by now but damn.

So as the title suggests I'm pretty much scared pantsless.

I see only rough times ahead for me unless life makes a complete 180-degree turnaround.

I'm not going to elaborate on this anymore. I will however leave a clue for those curious to figure out for themselves:

I'm not alone in this. It's a problem my whole family has to face.

OK, not just my family. The world in general.

What scares me the most is that I may be safe right now in my little hidey-hole but in a few years I won't be that safe anymore. I'm going to have to crawl out with whatever weapon I can find and face the big bad monsters under my bed all by myself.

And when that time comes, will I be ready for the challenge? Will my armor, my weapon, my intellect be enough for me to come crawling back home, wounded yet alive, left to die another day?

That I don't know yet.

I am human. I don't know. I always don't know. And that is why I am often afraid, because humans fear what they neither know nor understand. What doesn't help is the fact that I can't afford to be afraid.

Will three years be enough time for me to prepare?

That I don't know.

Like I said, I always don't know. And I rarely understand.

Fuck all this. I'm going to bed. I need a clear head. (Rhyme unintended)

These past few days

Have been interesting. I've always come out of them tired but what the hell, they were worth it.

Kinda. XD

Let's see what the next few days bring. Hopefully nothing hardcore bad, though.

I'm too lazy to blog today. Hence the brevity (naks) of my post.

Oh yeah. Wait.

I have to change the layout of my blog. Again.

Wala lang.

School.

It is with a heavy heart that I surrender to Father Time.

In less than 48 hours, I'll be going back to school. DX Actually, most people I know will be going back to school.

Man.

Patapon lang kasi yung summer ko eh. Well, not really, I've done a lot of things over the break, but really, not enough. I lack closure.

One more week. That's all I ask. Just to enjoy the break, probably the last real summer I'll ever have in my life. Because starting Tuesday, I'll be starting work on my majors. And the next summer, I'm not only going to take summer classes, I'm also going to try to find a job.

Actually in a way I'm pretty excited. But still. Alam niyo?

Oh, well. I don't want to think about it, really. Not now. Not when I should be enjoying what's left of this vacation. I'm out of here.

Crazy day.

Marami nangyari ngayong araw na 'to.

Everything was pretty slow until piano practice, when things started to pick up. Malaki raw yung progress ko sabi ng teacher. XD Kasi I was learning this piano piece that the teacher said took 4 hours on average for a student to complete. I learned the first half in like 2 sessions so I was kinda afraid I'd be a bit slow on the upkeep. But since I practiced all this week we were able to breeze through the session and complete the piece, so bali I was done in 3 sessions. Yay me. XD

Then pagkatapos nun, diretso na kami ni Inay sa Makati dahil aasikasuhin pa namin yung cashier's check ko para sa tuition. Thankfully we breezed through that, too, so we were in and out in about an hour. Then we made our way through the Makati traffic straight to UP Diliman's O.U.R. (Office of the University Registrar). And just in time, too; 4:30 pala nagsasara yung Cashier. Hehe. So dahil maikli lang ang pila, mabilis rin akong nakatapos. Manghang-mangha nga yung nanay ko, eh; during her time kasi as a grad student here she had to line up at the mile-long line to the Cashier in Palma Hall. "For once," ika niya, "UP cleaned up their system." Ngayon lang yan, 'Nay. XD Well, long lines or no, I was just so effing glad that I was able to enroll. :D

Anyway because we were hungry and we had to pick up the new maid anyway, dumiretso kami sa EDSA Central Station sa may Crossing's kasi dun daw siya bababa. We debated for a while where we'd eat, and then decided on Jollibee. We eated and then met with the new maid, then we headed on home.

Crazy day nga; mula Makati hanggang UP hanggang Shaw Boulevard all in one hectic day. It's over now, but tomorrow, another hectic day awaits me. Heart Center in the morning and then a party at night. It's gonna be awesome. Way to spend the last days of summer. *cheers*

Tangina

Ang init.

Diyuskopo, paulanin niyo naman oh.

This isn't fair.

It's supposed to be raining around this time of year. When the rains came around in mid-May I was so convinced they were going to go on until the end of rainy season.

Pero hindi eh. Pinaasa lang pala tayo ni Lord.

So right now not only do we have to deal with food and oil crises, we have to be reminded of global warming too. I swear, even with the fan on, it's like a goddamn oven in my room. Not exactly the way I want to spend the last days of my vacation.

Such is life, my friend. Such is life.

Jaded.

Well as of late FTW has taken on an entirely new meaning from "For the win".

Now it also doubles as an acronym for "Fuck the world."

Yeah that's right.

Fuck the world. And everyone who tries to make it worse.

I don't like how this is going. How the world is going. Gas prices up, global warming, unemployment, overpopulation, food shortages, earthquakes, murders, scandals and shitty people everywhere I dare look.

I wonder why I haven't kicked the bucket yet to be honest.

I guess it's because despite all the emo-ness I seem to emit deep down inside I'm also a very hopeful person. I'm the kind of person who really doesn't want to believe that everything is totally hopeless, that things will get better. At least that's usually what I believe.

I guess it's the Filipino in me, too. I live in the third-world where for all my comfort, outside the confines of my gated community where I and my brothers are pampered and sheltered to no end the Philippines is dying a slow and very painful death. Every weekend now gas prices go up and with it the price of food. There's not a day that I see something bad on the front page of a newspaper or a tabloid. With each passing year my contemporaries and I face higher risks of unemployment. And on top of that, for all the trappings of my comfortable life, the poison that has long since seeped into the country's very veins has reached us at last. The effects are still rather mild, thankfully.

But man.

I just don't know how long all of this will last. With each passing day I start to believe more and more the Buddhist tenet of life being evanescent and transitory. Not a day passes that I fear that everything I see around me will one day vanish without a trace, and not a day passes that I hope that when the time comes that everything will disintegrate and float away into space, I could disintegrate and float away with it, no care in the world whatsoever.

How long will this inbred optimism last me? I don't know. All I know is slowly, very slowly, it's all running out. :(

Wow.

I'd like to apologize to my main man Luigi and everyone else present last night (Nera, Roque, Don, Adam and Kip) dahil hindi ako naka-kuwento ng maayos kagabi. XD Haha believe it or not, I was a bit tipsy then and what you heard last night was really mostly the alcohol talking. Hina ko gagi... dalawang San Mig Light me tama na ako XD I'm not normally this way by the way :D I usually have a much higher threshold for alcohol. I guess it was because I didn't get enough to eat and I downed two beers in a go. I don't think it helped that they were both cold, either. LOL.

Anyway, last night was the most fun I've had in months. We all met for DotA in Hims round about 4 in the afternoon and then off we were to Eastwood: Me, Luigi and Roque in Nera's car and Kip and Adam in Don's car. :D Nera was such a genius... biro mo, akala ni someone na traffic dun sa tunnel kung kaya't nag-shortcut kami sa White Plains. XD And Lord knows it was the longest shortcut we'd ever taken; mula White Plains dumaan kami sa Acropolis at nag-U-turn sa may Libis. And Team Faylon still beat us to it. Turns out there was no traffic after all. Nice one, dude. Nice one. XD

We started the evening off with the usual dinner at Fazoli's. Bitin kami sa pagkain namin kung kaya't kahit na tapos na kaming kumain hinihintay pa rin namin yung aleng nagpapa-refill ng tinapay. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right: free breadsticks at Fazoli's; a must-try. :D

We went to Timezone for a bit for the Tekken tournament we normally have when we're in Eastwood. I didn't have much on me so most of what I did was watch Luigi, Adam, Don, Nera and Kip slug it out; I did play for a bit, though, as Hwoarang, although I wasn't really as good as I normally am on the PS; the joystick was hella hard to figure out. XD I lost to Nera; go figure. *sigh*

After a quick trip to the boxing machine or whatever that was where we collected tickets, we contemplated getting Neoprints at the machines nearby but decided to take a detour instead to the billiard hall-slash-bowling alley near the cinemas. :D We played a quick game of 9-ball and then spent the rest of our one hour playing Killers; I wasn't really bad, thank God, even got lucky and hit 2 balls in one. :D Hee... kudos to the birthday boy (Luigi) for paying for our fun. XD

I actually wanted to go to Emil's house already and watch Harold and Kumar with the guys since it was nearing 11:30 by which time I had to go home. (Sucks, I know) But they all decided to go to Dencio's for beers and hey, I can't say no to alcohol at a party, can I? XD

At Dencio's we bemoaned the lack of good service before being served up our orders of San Miguels and pork barbecue. So by then things had started to get interesting as we got to talking about our love-lives after college. However, two beers and little food into the discussion I was getting really tipsy (take note; uminom pa ako ng tubig in between beers para ma-dilute ang alcohol) and I literally swaggered to the downstairs toilet to take a leak and call my ride. I actually shouted my story to the guys and yeah, that's what killed the evening for me. Thank heavens I got some good advice especially from Don and Roque. >:D<

I could not help but be touched when Luigi, Don, Kip and Roque decided to stick with me while I went to McDo a few minutes later to wait for my ride and I said my goodbyes to Adam and Nera who were already off to Emil's house. I decided to buy some ice cream on the way there to sort of neutralize my growing headache... didn't work. XD But hell, it was good ice cream. :)

Anyway, after I said goodbye to my friends, the driver and I went to the Shell nearest our house to pick up some ice and coke (not the drugs, genius) for tomorrow (which is actually today but yeah, I'm still cool). :) Pretty interesting Thursday, though. Thanks to my friends for the time of my life. :)

Don actually invited us to his house for drinks next Tuesday; I'm not even sure if I can make it, though especially since it's enlistment day in UP for my batch. Sana payagan ako. :D

Blah.

It was a pretty chill day today. We heard Mass early and then ate lunch at Super Bowl of China in the Jupiter in Makati. Still stuffed, though. XD

Nothing obscenely eventful has happened in the past week. I was usually at the computer as I always am when I'm bored.

I would have expected nothing less from this summer, actually, other than the hope of getting my driver's license by the end of summer. That will have to wait, though.

Actually I'm not so scared of driving anymore. I've come to accept the fact that I will never get anywhere unless I get up and accept failure head-on. But now that I'm confident enough to drive on a regular basis, I kind of feel that driving's mega-overrated. No one needs to have superpowers to learn how to drive; they just need confidence and common sense. I actually could care less about getting my license by the end of the summer. Actually I could get it during my sem break if I wanted to. I'll just practice every day. :D

Anyway, umaamag na ako dito sa bahay, OK. I actually can't wait for the school year to start where I will finally get my taste of college life after an entire year doomed to nothing general electives. The third and final batch run will be this Tuesday, and even if I don't get 18 units, I don't have to pre-rog since I was fortunate enough to get the minimum load of 15 units. But I will anyway, if only to a) experience pre-rogging and b) experience the adequate 18-unit load. :)

Hopefully papayagan ako nina ermats sa birthday ni Luigi. Luigi Aganon is my best friend from high school and it's his birthday this May 29, along with my good friend, Duey Guison. Can't wait. It'll probably be the most exciting thing I'll experience this summer, aside from going through the trouble of getting my own Tax Identification Number (TIN) from the SSS in Pasig last April. Just hope I can stay overnight. :D

Well, that's enough about my life. Gotta run.

Kill your TV.

Or kill yourself watching TV.

And listening to the radio.

And watching a movie.

Because frankly, the mainstream is dead, quality-wise.

Because a lot of famous artists nowadays care about two things and two things only: getting rich and getting famous. I'm sick of all the half-assed, pathetic excuses for movies, music and TV nowadays. A lot of them are tacky and cliche. It's like it doesn't matter anymore to them whether or not the work is critically acclaimed or not. As long as they're rolling in the Benjamins, they don't see any reason to complain.

I'm jealous of the teenagers who came of age in previous decades. Whether they knew it or not, what they were watching on TV or in the cinemas, or listening to on the radio or on their players, was magic. It was always something new, fresh, edgy, meaningful. Whether it was Frank Sinatra or Nirvana, Sleeping Beauty or Back to the Future, Happy Days or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, there was always something new around the corner, waiting to be discovered. Something true, something intimate, something made with love by someone who intended to spread his message, however controversial, to the world, and say, "This is my world, my voice, my identity, and fuck you if you can't handle me."

And yet here we are, in the year 2000. An age upheld by the four pillars science, technology, capitalism and consumerism. The humanities are dying a slow and painful death, and no one's doing a damn thing about it. I'm sick of The Jonas Brothers. I'm sick of Hannah Montana and Zoey 101. I'm sick of Avril Lavigne, of Simple Plan, of mainstream Fall Out Boy and Pete Wentz marrying probably the second biggest poseur on the planet, Ashlee Simpson. I'm sick of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I'm sick of scripted reality shows. I'm sick of crunky rap. I'm sick of sell-outs. I'm sick of scenesters. I'm sick of poseurs. I'm sick of mediocrity. I'm sick of people with inferiority complexes and over-inflated egos wanting to be famous. I'm sick of anorexic/bulimic models. I'm sick of cheese and shallow things.

I just wish we could all go back to a time and place when everything wasn't so fake. When everything was full of substance. When everyone did things out of love and not for the money. Fuck the mainstream.

I'm going to bed. Wake things up when the scene isn't dominated by losers.

You want romance?

Because I don't.

At least, not right now.

The reason why I don't have a girlfriend yet isn't really because I'm torpe. Actually I've grown a lot in a short amount of time. I can ask a girl on a date if I wanted to.

It's just... yun na nga. I don't want to.

For some reason most of the girls I come across don't interest me. And the few that do--well, they're either already taken or they're not allowed to have boyfriends yet.

I guess it's largely in part to my individualistic nature. Of course like any human I yearn for friendship, for love, for affection, for trust--- but really, I like being alone more than anything else. I'm the kind of guy who would rather not socialize if I didn't need to or if I didn't like the people I'm with or both. I like being alone. It helps me think.

I just wish I could have one. At least one. To see what it's like. How it's like to kiss someone. To laugh and cry with someone. To feel so much affection and emotion for someone that it hurts, and the only way to stop all the pain is to show her that love that she needs and deserves. Para naman masabi ko na I've been there, done that.

And I hope whoever she is, she comes and comes soon. Before it's too late.

Damn... just to know what it's like to love someone. I want that for myself.

Stings like a bitch.

I was never one for changes.

Well, not all changes, really. In fact, I rather like change. But not really really drastic change.

Unfortunately, that's what my family and I are up against. For the next three months, at least.

The talk ended mere moments ago, and frankly, I'm still shaken, unable to grasp what had just transpired. I can't divulge all the details. Not now. Not here. This is between my family and me.

No, no one's dying. Thankfully. But what my family is up against is something most people fear just as much as they fear death--- and that is the uncertain future.

Fact of the matter is, things around here won't be the same in a matter of time. I won't say things will never be the same again. In fact, that's what I'm hoping not to happen. What I'm hoping for is that all we'll be experiencing for a while is a transition period and nothing more. What I'm hoping for is for things to get better. Not worse. But---and let's be realistic here---we'll never know for sure.

Even as I type this down, I can't help but worry. Especially since this day has been quite anticlimactic, at least for me. I mean, spending a perfectly normal, rather good day at home with the people you love---and now this. I don't know what to say, except that yes, I'm still in shock.

It's like the energy has been drained out of my system. I feel numb and cold and depressed and scared and oh, most definitely tired. Like all I want to do for the remainder of the night is lay down and fall asleep. Possibly forever.

I'm quite sure we can all make it through. It's a storm, not a typhoon. Kaya pa 'yan. But all I need is confirmation, reassurance, proof, from some omniscient, omnipotent entity that everything's going to be all right.

I'm going to bed.

Ummm... Hi. :D

Hey there, everyone! :D I actually had a blog on Blogspot before but I stopped using it in favor of Multiply. XD

Multiply has been my home for quite some time but now I've decided I'd go make a proper blog independent of Multiply. :P And so here I am, back on Blogspot, after... hmmm... what, two or three years? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

About me... hmm. I'm not about to reveal my identity to the whole world, so bully for you. :) Nothing personal, it's just that we all know how the Internet tends to harbor untrustworthy individuals. Not that anyone would want to rape me or something LOL, just want to protect my person is all. :)

However, this blog will be accessible to all my intimates, which basically means everyone on my Yahoo! buddy list so they will obviously know who I am. :D

But since I'm a good person... well, generally speaking XD, I've decided I'll let everyone in on my personal life and allow comments as long as they're nice and decent. K? K. :) Now enjoy the wasteland that is my social life! :)

Oh, and in case you're wondering, my screen name and site name is a play on the AFI album Decemberunderground. I've altered it because I was born in November. Hee. The more you know! ^___^