I've just realized

I need time to think. Think things over.

I have absolutely no idea about anything. About what I feel. For you.

I honestly don't know what love is supposed to feel like. They say it's different for everybody, you know? Funny. I might be in love and I don't know it.

Is what I'm feeling, THAT feeling? Something more, something less? Do I only see you as a really, REALLY great friend that I care very deeply about? Or do I see you as the person I've been waiting for, all my life? Am I there yet? Or just somewhere in between?

Is the jealousy I feel when you talk about... HIM... a manifestation of actual love? Or is it just an offshoot of my possessiveness?

I wouldn't know. I honestly won't.

Which is why I need time to assess myself. Is this love? Or just infatuation?

Whatever it is, I'll definitely sleep on it.

And hopefully, sooner, rather than later, I'll know.

I just wish I could let you know

You're the only one who makes me feel this way.

IDK either.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you. Really.

I mean, at the beginning we were having so much fun. We really were. I actually thought we had a future together, me and you.

It's my fault, I know. I really should have kept the lines open. We fell apart. We lost touch. I get it. Stupid me.

If only how you knew how I really felt about you. It fucking kills me that you don't. You kick your own ass telling yourself how ugly you are, how dumb, how lame you think you are but you're not. You're more than that. Much more.

You're funny and you're talented and no matter what people say you're beautiful. You always will be. You may not fit the mold that everyone else is used to but that's their problem, not yours, and definitely not mine.

You have no fucking idea how it kills me so much that you're madly in like with someone else. No fucking idea at all. How it feels when your insides are rotting every time this one person you care about so much is off swooning over someone else and you're forced to pretend that you're happy. That everything is all right.

Actually I have no idea either. Am I or aren't I? Is what I'm feeling for you just this unusually immense affection--or something more? Or something less?

I don't know. I really don't; I'm sorry. I'm not even sure what love is supposed to feel like. Sue me.

I guess this is something I really have to think over.

I miss you. I miss us.

We're still there, still having fun. But from all angles, we've slowed down. Now I wonder if this is all we'll be forever, or if this will turn into something else.

What else can I say? I'm just some fucked-up kid. I don't know anything anymore.

Where Is My Mind?

I really should stop thinking that the world revolves around me.

I don't know why I do. I hate that side of me too. I'd slap me too if I were someone else. I'd slap me hard.

I don't understand why I keep thinking that everyone's out to get me. They're not. I know they're not. We may not be close but goddammit, they're still my friends and I know better than to keep thinking that they're secretly all against me.

They have no reason to. I haven't done anything wrong. Not that I know of.

Fucking paranoia. Kakaburat talaga. Dahil sa 'yo lahat sa akin nasisira. Tulog, pokus, BAIT amputa. I really hate this feeling with all my hearts, if I had more than one heart.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

It's like, one week I'm OK and everything's going just fine, and the next week... here I am. Back to square one. I really fucking hate feeling like this. I could cry; I'm serious.

Kulang lang ba ako sa tulog? Sa pagkain? Sa iyak? Sa social life? Ano? Sabihin niyo lang, para naman maayos ko tong nararamdaman ko. Is it hormones? Is it stress? WHAT IS MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY?!

I don't know anymore. And I don't want to care.

Tangina naman o... pumatok pa talaga to kung kailan ako nagkaka-hell week.

Mamaya na nga.

RANT

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to open up to the world. I'm usually the one asking questions, listening, reacting, everything.

I almost never tell people jack shit about my life, if I can help it. I don't know why either so don't ask.

I guess it's because I tell so little about myself that whenever I actually do I expect some sort of decent feedback, not just an NR or a few half-hearted grunts or comments. I know it's childish but yeah, I try to fix it.

Nakakainis rin kasi minsan eh. Alam kong hindi ko dapat i-expect na magre-react yung mga tao sa paraang gusto ko pero tangina lang talaga eh.

Maybe I should just shut up about myself. Nobody cares, anyway. Parang what's the point? Other people obviously don't want to know about you so why the fuck should I even bother offering to give the people whom I consider worthy of my attention a piece of my person? Di ba?

Takte. Bahala na nga lang. Ewan ko lang ba sa sarili ko. Minsan di ko talaga maintindihan kung ba't may paki pa rin ako. This world is a hundred per cent fake, and rotten to the core. Sometimes it's so hard to see the good in all this shit. I swear.

I think I'll go to bed now.