Blind Item

You've changed.

Not for the worse, though. I mean, I can totally understand where you're coming from. You're doing the right thing, and you know what, I'll be pulling for you, every step of the way. I may not be with you, but know that you have my complete and undivided support.

But you're busy. You always are, now. Last time we saw each other, you seemed so absent-minded, so hard to reach, even though we were standing, face to face. You left without saying goodbye, but I knew it wasn't something I did. I didn't mind. I still don't. Shit happens.

And yet I can't help but feel that somehow things aren't the same, and will never be for a long time. We're drifting apart, and while I know we'll always be friends no matter what, I have this nagging feeling that with each passing day, we'll start to get a little less close. You'll change and I'll change.

It's life, and while I accept that, it doesn't mean I have to like it. Because I don't.

I miss you. I miss your voice, your smile, your wit. The way we'd talk for hours on end, in Y!M AND in real life. The way we'd say hi. The way we'd say goodbye. The secrets we share. The inside jokes. The chismis. EVERYTHING. :(

I don't know if we'll ever have anything like that again. I can only hope.

Yun lang.

Miss na kita.

Usap naman tayo, o.

One for the Road

I've been sick all day and the weather is fucking freaky. Yan tuloy, hindi ko na-enjoy yung pagkain namin ngayon. Masarap pa naman yung niluto. DX

Actually, I'm not sick sick. I have a bad cold and now I'm somewhere in between. Parang may sakit na hindi naman talaga. I've been drinking water and trying to get some shut-eye all day. I'm getting better, but hey, you never know.

I shouldn't even be up this late right now. But I had stuff to do so yeah, go ahead, sue me.

And today has also confirmed my worst fears as regards one of my oldest and (until recently) closest friends. I'm hurt, obviously and I'm willing to patch things up with him if he is, but this is a pretty touchy topic for me now. I'm not in the mood to talk about it any longer; may sakit nga ako, pahihirapan ko pa ang sarili ko. -_-

Well, good night. :) :| :(

Hmmm

Week so far's been pretty chill. :)

Next week will be busy week. I'm grateful for the escape. :)

Eng 101 Outline/Presentations, plus preparations for LF's Anniv Night. :)

Wow, dami kong smileys. XD

Anywho.

May lindol daw bukas. Intensity 8 daw.

Huh.

Wala lang.

Ingat.

Nasusuya

I hate this. I hate everything.

Fake. Everything around me is fake.

I am in no mood to take crap. Seryoso. Don't fuck with me for the next week or two unless it is a matter of life or death. Super stressed.

I'm at one of those points in life where I feel low even though there's really no objectively serious reason to be low. Hindi naman ako namatayan. Nawalan ng bahay. Ng pera. Ni hindi naman ako nasa bingit ng kamatayan.

So bakit nga ba?

Ewan ko rin eh.

It's a lot of things. A lot. You don't need to know about them. All I know is that at this point in my life I am very much down in the dumps and there's really no one who can help or is willing to help me back up.

I have to get out of this emotional rut on my own.

I feel sick. I want to sleep. I want to eat until my gut bursts. I want to scream until my lungs bleed and my voice box explodes. Into a pillow. At the dog. From a skyscraper overlooking the city at the night sky.

I want to jump off a cliff brushing against the waves of the ocean and impale myself on the rock formations jutting out from beneath the surface of the sea.

I want to be a meteor. I want to hurtle through space and swan dive into the ozone layer and create a jet of smoke, then burn up into nothingness until my shell lands, puny and black and pathetic, on soft earth.

I want to be a firework. I want my humble self to be rocketed off into the atmosphere, where I will explode in a blaze of sparkling color until the ghost of my being dissolves and diffuses into the night air.

I want a lot of things I cannot get.

And I am sick of it.

I need a break. A big one.

From regret. From wasted opportunity. From loneliness. From waking life. From the daily grind. From the evils of mainstream thought. From misunderstanding. From hate. From society. From everything.

And now, I sleep off my misery.

By the way, happy birthday, Mom. :) (No, this is not a cheap shot or a smart remark. I am not angry at my mother. It is, in fact her birthday today and I simply want to wish her many more happy returns.)

Hindi ko alam

Kung anong papanoorin ko next week.


Ano nga ba?


Mamma Mia!, o The Dark Knight? O.O

Dead Air

I hate dead air and I try to avoid it as much as possible. I hate that feeling of awkwardness that comes when two or more people who know little or nothing at all about each other are placed in the same room and there's this sort of frosty, cold feeling in the atmosphere that no one can seem to transcend.

Lately I've been trying to make conversation with people I barely know to keep the dead air away. And somehow I can't stop kicking myself for not trying hard enough to establish a better connection between myself and everyone else who is not in my circle of close friends. The conversations are often very one-sided; I ask the questions, the other person answers. I honestly can't think of the last time I had an intelligent, two-sided conversation with someone I wasn't very close with. If it's not a flat one-on-one, well, the air dies a pretty quick death.

It's an old trick, at least in my book, and recently it's disintegrated from a display of confidence and willingness to interact into a pathetic attempt to strike a conversation. Again, by my book.

And again, I hate dead air; it's a part of my very long list of pet peeves. I actually went through a phase in my life when I would avoid other people and hide when I was sure nothing good would come out of our conversation. I've gradually gotten over that.

But I'm having a tougher time with this.