Nasusuya

I hate this. I hate everything.

Fake. Everything around me is fake.

I am in no mood to take crap. Seryoso. Don't fuck with me for the next week or two unless it is a matter of life or death. Super stressed.

I'm at one of those points in life where I feel low even though there's really no objectively serious reason to be low. Hindi naman ako namatayan. Nawalan ng bahay. Ng pera. Ni hindi naman ako nasa bingit ng kamatayan.

So bakit nga ba?

Ewan ko rin eh.

It's a lot of things. A lot. You don't need to know about them. All I know is that at this point in my life I am very much down in the dumps and there's really no one who can help or is willing to help me back up.

I have to get out of this emotional rut on my own.

I feel sick. I want to sleep. I want to eat until my gut bursts. I want to scream until my lungs bleed and my voice box explodes. Into a pillow. At the dog. From a skyscraper overlooking the city at the night sky.

I want to jump off a cliff brushing against the waves of the ocean and impale myself on the rock formations jutting out from beneath the surface of the sea.

I want to be a meteor. I want to hurtle through space and swan dive into the ozone layer and create a jet of smoke, then burn up into nothingness until my shell lands, puny and black and pathetic, on soft earth.

I want to be a firework. I want my humble self to be rocketed off into the atmosphere, where I will explode in a blaze of sparkling color until the ghost of my being dissolves and diffuses into the night air.

I want a lot of things I cannot get.

And I am sick of it.

I need a break. A big one.

From regret. From wasted opportunity. From loneliness. From waking life. From the daily grind. From the evils of mainstream thought. From misunderstanding. From hate. From society. From everything.

And now, I sleep off my misery.

By the way, happy birthday, Mom. :) (No, this is not a cheap shot or a smart remark. I am not angry at my mother. It is, in fact her birthday today and I simply want to wish her many more happy returns.)